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London 2012 ‘proves austerity works’, declares Cameron
After a weekend of remarkable Olympic achievement for Team GB, the prime minister David Cameron has congratulated the athletes, coaches and George Osborne for their crucial contribution to this...
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British youth inspired by menial Olympic support roles
After concerns that the London Olympics would fail to deliver the legacy promised by its ‘inspire-a-generation’ tag-line, Lord Coe has hailed a survey that confirms the young people of Great Britain...
View ArticleHomegrown terrorists ‘distracted by Team GB success‘
In a video released earlier this week, a spokesman for the UK-based Islamic Jihadi Brotherhood assured the British public that ‘the infidels will burn and the streets will flow with the blood of the...
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Olympics fan sets new record for collecting Sunday papers from newsagent
Inspired by the feats of the world’s elite athletes, a Carshalton man has shaved a full minute off his personal best for collecting the Sunday papers. Michael Owen Sanders – who acquired his name by...
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London marathon runner raises £1m for existential angst charity
London marathon runner, Nigel Mortimer, is celebrating this morning after raising £1m for the victims of crippling existential angst. Though its existence is disputed by some, existential angst is a...
View ArticleMo Farah first black man not to be stopped for drugs on a daily basis
Mo Farah has become the first black man to avoid being routinely stopped by authorities to see if he’s got any drugs in or on him. Farah, 32, from Teddington (‘although you can tell, not originally’...
View ArticleMo Farah just grateful to see the back of Quorn
Although finishing his competitive career with a disappointing Silver, in the 5,000m, Mo Farah expressed his relief that he no longer needed to maintain the charade of liking meat-substitute fungus....
View ArticleMo Farah and Usain Bolt to be humanely put down says IAAF
An IAAF spokesman told reporters: ‘Both Mo and Usain let themselves and their countries down badly, and in our view, are clearly way past their best. We have therefore made the decision to have them...
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